What I came to understand is that I have allowed school to become all encompassing. The classes, the people, the grades, the clubs, everything. My focus shifted from returning to school and following the fireflies to going to school to be a collegiate superstar. The good news is that I succeeded. The bad news is that I succeeded. While I was so busy chasing down A's like I usually chase down a taco truck, I completely lost sight of everything that really matters in my life. I was able to keep a somewhat precarious grasp on Kyle and the girls but everything--everything-- else fell off the back of the wagon. I feel like I haven't spoken to Heather in months, I haven't seen my nephews all summer, I barely saw my mom, dad, or sister, and writing anything at all has gone completely out the window. My mental health is shot. My physical health? We won't even go there.
Here I am, now, facing another first day of school for the girls, and realizing that I allowed so much time to be wasted doing stupid and completely unnecessary shit. That's where all of this melancholy is stemming from; I'm mourning the loss of an entire summer. I made a terrible mistake, repeatedly, for over two months. That is time with my friends and family I will never be able to get back, and frankly, I'm angry at myself for allowing this to happen. The reality is that there's nothing at all that I can do to get that time back, to get this summer back to be with the people I love. While they may all say "We completely understand," I do not. I may not have let any of them down, but I have really let myself down.
But I do still have all of the control over today, and as many tomorrows as I'm allowed to have. I immediately set to fixing what I could of this issue. I cut my course load from five classes in the fall to three, two of which should be very beneficial to writing my novel starting in September. All are online so that I can be home to take care of business (house business and writing business) as well as be available to my family.
Above all else, I need to drop the silly notion that I'm a "college kid." I am not. I am a grown woman with a husband, daughters, pets, a house, a garden, and a whole host of other responsibilities. And that doesn't even begin to cover all of the things that I need to do for just myself! The college mentality is not for me. I hated it the first time around, and I hate it now. Learning and educating myself--that's me--but I can truly say that the last two semesters of absolutely horrid classes that I have no interest in at all have done nothing more than waste time I should have spent with the people I love, doing things I love. Don't get me wrong, I will be finishing my degree, because I have come this far and I want to see it through. But school, and all things associated with the school, can never again be allowed to come between me and where I really want to be.
Look, I did something impressive, okay? I managed to cram an entire year of college into four months, and came out the other side with a 4.0. I'm a great student! But, much more importantly, I'm an even better mother/wife/sister/daughter/friend/writer/child of the universe, and being a great student cannot ever take the place of those things. I'm disappointed in myself that I have allowed this summer to happen, but all I can do from here is to protect myself, protect the people I love, and keep my attention firmly on what really matters.
